Re-surfacing

Its been a long time since I've written.  Far too long.  Many things have come my way in the last several months.  Those things I am not going to write about right now... Perhaps another time.

Recently I sense myself entering into a new season in my life.  My sweet daughter is about to turn a year old.  She has transitioned from an infant to a toddler, and I find my days becoming increasingly 'busy' as I try to keep up with desire to explore and learn.

As time is passing and I reflect on the last year, I am beginning to face things from my past that have not gone away.  Right before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I began to look for answers regarding my health and fertility.  This search quickly got put on hold when I discovered I was pregnant, and now that things are beginning to return to 'normal' I am beginning to pick up that search once again.

I am looking back to the wide variety of struggles I had during my pregnancy and how those struggles are likely tied with past and current struggles.  I am continuing to heal from past losses, and find myself beginning to guard my heart at the thought of potential future ones.
 Our daughter is almost 1 and we'd like to have more children.  I absolutely adore being a mom and with each passing month my desire for another child grows with in me; as does my fear of more loss and heart-ache.

I titles this blog "A Door of Hope", and there is much meaning behind the name.  As I begin to glance into the unknown, I am reminded to rest on Christ because He is my source of hope.  I am thankful for all I have, and I know that...

"As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."

Psalm 71:14

Faithfull

Oh to ponder the faithfulness of God!  

The first time that I faced the One who is faithful was when my parents and I moved to Alaska when I was 15.  For the longest time I fought against my parents desire to move up north.  I kicked, screamed and said very hurtful things to them in an attempt to convince them not to move.  Then one day I had a dream.  I don't remember the details of the dream, but when I woke up I just knew that God was leading us there, and in spite of my fear I decided to follow His leading and told my parents that I was ok with moving.

It was hard starting not one but two news schools in the first year we were there, but God was faithful.  There were so many times that God gave me glimpses into His nature as I lived and continued to grow up there.  My faith grew stronger and I was learning to trust God with the unknown more and more.

Having to trust Him with the unknown has only increased as the years have passed by.  Going through Bible school, dating and getting married, moving across the country, then to a new country...it has all brought with it opportunities worries and opportunities to rest in the leading and faithfulness of God.

Lately my trusting has involved children and education.  Walking the painful road of multiple miscarriages caused me to draw close to God; to nestle in close and to rest and lean on Him as He carried through those dark and scary days.  The whole time being faithful to never leave me.  Then to have a pregnancy last...only to struggle with preterm labor and possible early delivery.  I remember laying in the hospital on bed rest at 32 weeks pregnant struggling yet resting with God's faithfulness.  Knowing that even if this child that He gave me were to be born very early and need a lot of help and time in the hospital, that I could still call Him faithful.  I chose to rest in the truth that He knew exactly what was coming our way.  He knit our baby girl together in my womb and He gave her life.  He is the Faithful One.

As I type this I am unsure what this next year is going to bring for our family with our schooling.  It seems like some changes are coming our way that we didn't plan nor hope for.  I have again come face to face with those raw emotions of struggling with understanding God's leading in our lives, but as I look back over the years I can't deny that He has this all under control; that just because I may not understand why that He is still faithful in His leading.

"Even when I cannot see, you are moving.
Even when my faith is tried, you're providing.
Even though my flesh may fail, You're the strength when I am weak.
Hallelujah!  My soul will sing! 
Hallelujah!  You are good to me! 
You are faithful...always faithful."
     "Faithful" by Sarah Reeves

Words of a Worrier

Hello.
My name is Amanda, and I am a worrier.

I have always tended to worry.  It seems we all have something that we tend to struggle with and my big thing is worry.  I hate worrying!  I hate how I feel when I worry.  I hate feeling like I have made others worry.  I just simply hate it, yet that is what I struggle with.

Why?

Why is it I do the very thing I hate?  Romans 7:15 says "I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it.  Instead, I do what I hate." (NLT)

As I wrestle with this I cant help but be thankful for my husband.  He, unlike me, does not have this struggle.  I love how God places individuals in our lives to encourage us, challenge us, and spur us on in our walk with Him.  My husband is that to me!  He has such faith and he always challenges me to trust what God is doing and to just rest in Him.

I often will know in my mind that worrying doesn't do a darn thing, that God is faithful to lead me and direct me where is best for me, but I struggle to feel it in my heart.  

As we anticipate the arrival of our first child I find myself having moments filled with worry and fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of what the next 8 months will bring for us as we seek to finish our schooling, and move forward in full time ministry.

The Bible is clear about this nasty thing called fear:

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." (ESV)

2 Timothy 1:7  

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.  Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."(NLT)

Isaiah 41:10

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." (ESV)

Psalm 56:3 

I often find it funny how God has lead me to be a missionary.  So many people have told me that they could never do it themselves.  I want to assure everyone that I am no one special.  I am just like them, and struggle with things just like they would.  God is leading me down a path of learning what it means to blindly trust Him and rest on Him.  He is giving me many opportunities to practice trusting Him instead of allowing worry and fear to take over.  

So...When I find myself worrying and gripped by fear I am reminded to trust.  Trust in the One who created all things.  Trust in the One who knows what is best for me.  I am to trust the One who is with me, who gives me strength, and who is holding me as I walk into the unknown.  

Sovereign

I have often think about and relish how God speaks to me through music.  

I find beauty clearly represented through melodies and sweet sounds that flow from individuals that have been gifted musically.  God has a way of communicating lovely and endearing truths to me through such music.  

Often, as people take His Word, His love letter to us all, and put those words to music, I cannot help but rejoice and rest in the beauty that is caught up in such giftedness.

As I live life I often see it in a linear manner, a timeline.  I tend to be a visual person and I love imagining  things as I think ponder them, seeing them occur in my mind as if they are happening before my very eyes.  

Many things have happened in my life that has moulded me into who I am today, and that has brought me to the place that I am at right now.  Some of these things have been wonderful experiences that have left me feeling blessed and encouraged within, while others have been trials and sufferings that go very deep, both of which have deeply effected and made me who I am today.  

I am currently in a place of great joy and excitement!  I am awaiting the arrival of my 4th child.  I do not have any children currently living, which is a story to be told another time, but today-right now-I am joyfully awaiting the birth of my first living child!  

As I await the birth of my baby, I am torn within.  I am 31 weeks pregnant today.  This pregnancy has been one filled with risk which has stemmed from my history of troubled pregnancies.  The fact that I have been blessed to carry this child this far is such a sweet gift!  Too sweet for me to be able to express through words.  

For the last month I have been at risk for pre-term labor.  Weekly doctor appointments and ultrasounds followed by living week to week not knowing if each appointment would bring me to bed rest in the hospital or not.  I have walked this past month, along side my husband, living in the unknown.  I have experienced such turmoil within at the thought of coming this far only to have our baby be born early, really early.  I have had to trust my God in this in a whole new way.  

I have been brought to the point of relinquishing control...control that I never actually had to begin with.  God has given me this child and I am only a steward of his/her little life.  

The music artist, Chris Tomlin, is so gifted in his ability to create deeply meaningful worship music.  Through different seasons in my life I have come across his music and just been stopped in awe of the glory of my Lord!  This week has brought me to a point like this.  

In his song 'Sovereign' he sings:

Sovereign in my greatest joy, Sovereign in my deepest cry

With me in the dark, With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms, All the pieces of my life

From beginning to the end, I can trust you

In your never failing love, You work everything for good

God whatever comes my way, I will trust you

All my hopes, All I need, Held in your hands

All my life, All of me, Held in your hands

All my fears, All my dreams, Held in your hands

God whatever comes my way, I will trust you

I will trust you